The Village I Left Behind

I moved to the United States a little over three years ago. The move came with a mix of emotions. I expected most of it, which comes with big life transitions, the rest totally caught me off guard.

I felt excited because I had always wanted to experience living in another place. I knew it was going to be an adventure. I looked forward to finally being with Mark, my husband. We got married in the middle of the pandemic and ended up being in a LDM (Long Distance Marriage) for almost a 1.5 years. 

The long distance relationship in itself was a bit of a curve ball, amplified by the pandemic. Thankfully, we managed and even thrived through it.

On the other hand, I also  felt a lot of anxiety. I was worried about starting over. I put a lot of effort into building my life and career in my hometown. I was leaving all of that behind. In the Philippines, I was part of the pioneer batch of Strengths Coaches, I helped build the Strengths Community, and I am one of the first Positive Psychologists in the country. I also just partnered with Leo in building our company, Fearless Consulting Inc. I felt like I was going to miss out on all these things I built and worked hard for. Our company was growing and I wanted to be a part of that, but life had other plans for me. 

Two Months of Love (and Goodbyes)

More than my career, I knew what I was going to miss the most were the people in my life. In fact, I deliberately stopped working 2 months before I left and filled my days spending time with friends and family. I saw as many people as I could and found as many ways to make memories with the people I love. 

I remember this specific day where I stayed in one mall. I met up with a different person almost every 2 hours. I started my day at 7am for breakfast, then 9am, then lunch, then 3:30pm, then dinner, and drinks. I was insanely full of food and love that day. I arrived home feeling sad because I knew these were all also goodbyes, or maybe more like a “see-you-when-I-visit”.

I felt so much FOMO, especially when it came to my cousins. I saw them every Sunday for lunch. I knew what they were up to, what was happening in their lives, and I also made every effort to support them in their endeavors. I knew moving would change a big part of this but I also knew I’d do what I can even when I moved.

Lastly, I felt very anxious about having to make new friends and finding my go-to people again. 

I constantly reminded myself that “It’s so easy for me to make friends”, “I love meeting new people”, and “I know myself, whatever is thrown my way, I’ll make the best of what I have”. 

The Original Game Plan

I had a game plan! My husband worked in Maryland but lived in New Jersey. We were undecided of where we were going to live. Our original idea was to live in New Jersey. 

Knowing that, I connected with people I know near New Jersey, and let people know that I was a bus ride away from New York. I looked through social media for everyone I could find in the areas of New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, and Washington DC.  I connected with someone in New York who attends the Every Nation Church (ENNYC) in the city, a church that belongs to the same global church family as Victory Church in the Philippines. 

When I arrived in New Jersey, I made sure my husband and I went to ENNYC. I felt right at home during the first time we attended. We met new people, I connected with other Filipinos, and I was introduced to someone who organized their bible studies in the same town we lived in. I even met a lady who was so welcoming that she instantly invited me to meet up and offered to take me around the city. I spent a day with her touring New York and I got to know her too. I felt so much hope because I made a friend and it had only been a month since I moved.

Then the Game Plan became Irrelevant

Things changed drastically when we decided to move to Maryland. It made the most sense to be nearer to Mark’s job. We moved to an apartment 20 minutes away from my Mark’s work. I was also 2 months pregnant when we moved into our apartment. 

The day we moved to Maryland was also the day when my game plan became irrelevant. Everyone I connected with, the friendships I started in our church, were all going to be something I also had to leave behind.

I didn’t realize how challenging it was to get around. I had one friend in the area when I moved here. She and her son often picked me up and I would join them for activities and have meals with them. I would hangout in their house and Mark would pick me up after work. 

One day, it hit me. I needed a car to get around. I had an OB appointment and I convinced Mark that I can get there by myself and he didn’t need to leave work early. I tried to find a bus that would get me there. The route I found required a 10-minute car ride to the bus stop and a 1-hour bus ride. Driving would only take me 20-minutes. I took an Uber that day. (Thankfully, there’s a bus stop near this apartment now that’s a 10-minute walk.)

I couldn’t easily get around because I didn’t have a car. Our apartment complex was a new development that there was really not much around us yet. This was so different to life in Manila. I had a car, I easily got to where I needed to go, and if I didn’t have a car there were many different options to get around. 

While I felt the difference in terms of mobility, I didn’t fully realize then how big an impact this would have on my own wellbeing.

Not Recommended: Pregnancy and Homesickness 

Pregnancy added a fun layer of hormones to the mix. I found myself randomly crying out of nowhere because I missed my family or because I knew I was missing Sunday lunch with my cousins. A friend of mine went through her own mental health challenges and was MIA for a bit. I cried over that because I reached out so many times and wouldn’t hear back. 

I often tell people pregnancy was very kind to me. I mostly felt tired and had an occasional roller coaster of emotions. However, I have to say that pregnancy and feeling homesick were not the best combination. The hormones definitely amplified how much I missed my village. 

Right before I gave birth, we found Restore Church. We even met another Filipino family there! This felt like such a reassuring sign of comfort. One I really needed at that moment. One that made me feel that maybe, a new village was within reach.

We were away for the holidays. Came back to Maryland after New Year… and gave birth to my daughter. The reality of the village I lost, paired with postpartum hormones, hit me with full force. If I thought pregnancy hormones and homesickness were a terrible combination… Postpartum hormones made it 10x worse! 

Postpartum Needs A Village of Its Own

I was a new mom, in a new country, in a new town, navigating postpartum life, without a village. 

Mark’s family was a HUGE help. His parents stayed over every chance they could, helped with our daughter, let me rest, and even took care of meals. I was and am still very grateful for everything they continue to do for us. 

And… multiple things can be true at the same time. His village doesn’t mean they were my village. 

I struggled a lot with feeling homesick. I often cried wishing my village had the chance to experience all the things with my daughter. My daughter brought so much joy to us, at the same time, I also grieved that my family was missing out on all these first moments with her. 

There was a significant day that will forever be etched in my memory. I was taking a shower. I thought to myself “I really want to go out, grab a coffee or a drink, and just hangout with a friend or two right now.” 

I caught myself when I finished that thought and said “Wait… I don’t have friends to do that with.” I broke down and cried in the shower. 

I struggled with feeling like I didn’t have anyone to run to. I couldn’t message people in the Philippines because it felt like timing was always off. I’m 12 hours behind them and they were either at work or asleep when I thought to message them.

My postpartum hormones and having a new baby, surely also had an effect on Mark. I didn’t always feel like we were on the same page. I constantly felt frustrated and lonely, even if I knew Mark was trying his best. Thankfully, he stayed patient with me, as humanly possible to do so.

I had moved for love. There is so much love for my husband and my daughter. 

At the same time, in those early days in Maryland and being a new mom, all I could feel was the weight of the village I lost and the lack of love I had that used to surround me.